Girl’s Guide to Burger King Dating

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If you have just stumbled upon the Girl’s Guide to my Online Dating series, this is a series documenting an experiment to see if my married friends are right, that joining a few dating sites will match me with my prince charming. The series shows you the good, the bad and the ugly from my experience. To start at the beginning of the Girl’s Guide to Online Dating, click here.

Week Two – Burger King Dating

This week felt like a repeat of last week. Keeping up with my inbox felt like I had another full time job. No one told me finding my prince charming would be so much work.

Lets jump into this weeks picks by discussing this guy’s age and honesty.  (Two points for each use use of the word ‘though’.)

age

I liked how he was honest that he knew I may not be looking for someone his age. Spot on! He was older than my father and I don’t have daddy issues so I had to pass.

I went from retiree to Mr. I don’t want to get to know you.

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I respect people who get to the point quickly but dang I’m not easy! He could have started the conversation off with a ‘hello’ at least. Trying to be polite, I responded with ‘no, I don’t share pictures’, at which point he decided to offer me pictures of him.  The NSFW kind. Yeah, I think I’ll pass on that too.

I did find a Prince Charming, one who wanted to save me from all the ‘internet lame’s’?

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Hmm… He wants to save me and whisk me away from these ‘bumps’. What in the world are ‘bumps’?! He is a pretty confident guy who hasn’t even talked to me, yet has already determined what I need and that I will fall madly in love with him instantly (upon talking to him).

 

 

Bonus Message, the best message I got, the creme de la creme!  This guy’s offering me the world!  More than saving me from bumps!

burger-king

 

 

This could be promising. Stay Tuned…

 

 

Do you have experience with online dating? Share your story, the good, the bad or even the ugly in the comments below. 

 

 

Girl’s Guide to Online Dating Profile Don’ts

 

 

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If you have just stumbled upon the Girl’s Guide to Online Dating series, this is a series documenting an experiment in seeing if my married friends are right, that joining a few dating sites will match me with my prince charming. The series shows you the good, the bad and the ugly from my experience. To start at the beginning of the Girl’s Guide to Online Dating, click here.

Online Dating Profile Don’ts – Profile Pictures

Profile pictures are important as it is one of the first impressions made to the potential mate reviewing a profile. The dating apps allows the user to browse through profiles and swipe away people they don’t like while using the toilet. All they see is the profile picture so it’s obviously important. This should be something everyone knows but as I have seen browsing profiles, not everyone seems to know this. Lets take a look at some of the don’ts I have came across this week.

  1. Blurry selfies – Why? What would make a person believe that a blurry picture of themselves would be a good idea? Blurry selfie profile pictures is just a FAIL!
  2. Half naked to might as well be naked profile pictures – Please, leave nothing to the imagination and prove to people viewing your profile picture that you are probably full of yourself and or that body in the picture is all you have to offer.
  3. Sideways profile pictures – Okay, not everyone is technically savvy but downloading a sideways picture is a big no-no. Sideways pictures show you half-ass things and no one wants a mate who does things half-ass.
  4. Pictures with your ex with their face scratched out – Is this the only picture you had that you thought was decent enough to share? It didn’t come across your mind that you could just take a picture of yourself with the selfie feature on your smartphone or ask someone to take a picture of you?
  5. Nostril shots – No one wants to see up your nose! I think that makes my point clear.
  6. Pictures of things – Did you forget that you’re on a dating site, where people are looking for mates? News Flash! People are not on a dating site to date a car or a building. I know… who knew!
  7. Pictures of a group – I’m sorry, I love the game ‘guess who’ but I don’t want to play ‘guess who’ you are when checking out your dating profile.
  8. Uploading stock photos – Really, you are not fooling anyone, we know that isn’t you.
  9. Inside pictures –  If your room is not clean and you can clearly see your hot mess of a room in the background, just say no. Your profile picture clearly shows you don’t put any time in cleaning and your life is probably just as messy as that room you took that picture in.
  10. Mirror selfies – Where do I start? First, make sure your mirror selfie isn’t blurry. Second, make sure the background is decent and Three, never take a public restroom mirror selfie… EVER!

 

If you are now on an online dating site or if you are thinking of jumping into the online dating world, you should remember to take focused pictures of just yourself while dressed and the most important thing is the background in your picture, it MATTERS! First impressions are everything!

 

Do you have experience with online dating? Share your story, the good, the bad or even the ugly in the comments below. 

 

Girl’s Guide to Online Dating Series

Girl’s Guide to Online Dating

Girl’s Guide to Spank me like an Avocado

Girl’s Guide to Spank me like an Avocado

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If you have just stumbled upon the Girl’s Guide to Online Dating series, this is a series documenting an experiment in seeing if my married friends are right, that joining a few dating sites will match me with my prince charming. The series shows you the good, the bad and the ugly from my experience. To start at the beginning of the Girl’s Guide to Online Dating, click here.

Week One – Spank me like an avocado

This week could be defined as ‘fast and furious’ it only took a day for my inbox to fill up with all the emails from men wanting me to realize they are my prince charming. I was surprised at how many men spent their time messaging me with both very little effort or way too much effort, which at times took a weird twist. Lets jump into this weeks picks.

 

First, let’s discuss this guy’s use of the word ‘neighbor’.  To be honest, this was a little creepy for me.

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He’s not my neighbor.  Well, I certainly hope not anyway. I wouldn’t want to date someone in my neighborhood because I could never get away from them, and what happens if they turn out to not be my prince charming??  Can you say, ‘Awkward’.

I had to go from that creepy message to a horny 24-year-old!

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Clearly he did not look at my profile because it states my age requirement is in the mid 30’s. The dating site’s matching abilities FAILED.

Then, the best message I got, the creme de la creme!

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His message made me laugh until I cried. I wonder though, is that something he wishes to do to a woman or was that a legitimate email he received?  I was so intrigued that I went to look at his profile.  From his profile he was what I would consider a normal guy, who likes normal guy things.  I guess that’s why profiles can be deceiving.

At that I was just done for a while.  Not to mention my phone was dinging every minute!  I already know I hate this.

So, I survived week one and feel I’m nowhere near closer to finding that prince charming I was promised. I did find out guys like to take pictures of their bare chests, and then make them their profile picture. I also learned there are many guys who like to email the same generic message, “Hi, you’re gorgeous” or “How are you”. Maybe they all email the same thing because they read it on the internet somewhere, in some ‘how to’ article. Except, it doesn’t make me want to respond.  I’m not drawn in.  If it was a ‘how to’ article, I think that article failed a large part of the male population.

This week I will be going through more emails and checking out some profiles the dating site has matched me with. Supposedly my prince charming is out there waiting for me, or so my married friends have told me.  Apparently they’re on this site that says it has found over 70 matches for me.

This could be promising. Stay Tuned…

 

 

Do you have experience with online dating? Share your story, the good, the bad or even the ugly in the comments below. 

 

 

Single to Married in 5.2 Seconds

Is it in the water?

Your single, life is good; everything is quiet and content among all of your single friends. Suddenly POOF! One after another they start abandoning the safety of the single circle and step to the dark side and enter the engaged circle. Your comfortable with your single status and with one after another of your single friends abandoning you, of course marry-me-1044416_1920it makes you think about what would cause them to leave the satisfying single life. The obvious answer is the drinking water is contaminated and is messing with their brains, causing them to believe the dark side is their best option. The only option you have to fight the dark side from taking over your brain is to avoid the water!

As your friends fall deeper into the dark side you will be subjected to all your conversations with them to consist of them trying to convince you that the dark side is where you should be. This will then evolve into them trying to attempt to hook you up with the first available mate they can find.  As time goes on you will find yourself questioning if they are right, marriage can’t be all that bad, maybe it really is better than the single life. You MUST fight these thoughts or you too will find yourself trapped in the dark side. You have to remind yourself what the single life provides you.

  1. Independence – You never have to tell someone where you are going or what you are doing.
  2. Compromising – You never have to choose between doing something you want to do because your mate wants to do something else. You can do what you want, when you want too.
  3. Feelings – You don’t have to worry about asking your mate what’s wrong when they look all mopey. The only feelings you have to be concerned about are your own.

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The engaged will try all types of tactics to pull you in and convenience you that taking the plunge into the marriage abyss is your only choice. Your social network news feeds will be plastered with engagement photos of rings on their fingers. They will hope this tactic makes you think “when will it be your turn? and “why are you not engaged?”

To make sure you avoid the dark side, the marriage abyss you must remind yourself when your on your social network news feeds that the big shiny ring their mate bestowed on their hand doesn’t make everything in their life better; they are now on a road filled with anxiety, doubt, and breakdowns.

If you can stay strong and committed to the awesome single life you live, you will see the posts will lesson and the attempts to hook you up will stop as they will be so consumed with their wedding and new life. The dark side will have convinced them that your a loss cause and you can carry on with your good comfortable and satisfying single life.

 

Life Lessons from Liquid Courage

 

Are you now or have you ever avoided things that can cause you to experience rejection, mistakes, or disappointments? So what, throw those worries away and, just do it!

sake-985415_1920drink-428319_1280Just to be clear, that is the advice people give others but would never do themselves. Though, throw in a bottle of Sake and a few glasses of whiskey and those nerves go right out the window. Needless to say, with liquid courage you can take that advice and run pretty far with it. That liquid courage will more times than not end in an epic FAIL but even if that is true you should always try to find the bright side in the situation. After many of my epic fails I finally learned two of about 100 very important life lessons. I only retained these two life lessons because it seemed to be the two that life not so pleasantly beat into me over the years.

Life lesson #1

Never attempt to explain ones feelings while drunk! The alcohol loosens you up sufficiently enough to allow you to be able to initially express your feelings, but when sober and looking back you recognize that, while you did say how you felt, your explanation lacked a few very important details! The problem lies in that now you realize what you’ve done and you CANNOT bring the subject back up! Heck no! Your game plan from the point of realization is to work on avoiding it like the plague! At this point you should be praying and hoping the other person remembers NOTHING.

Life lesson #2

when you’ve been drinking and a person you are with is fishing around for anything that has to do with your feelings, look for the closest exit point and RUN! If you allow the conversation to continue it will not end well. You will find yourself the next day banging your head against a wall while wishing tiny fairies would come and whisk you away to their secret world so you can live forever in stasis, never having to face the person or answer questions about what you said while drunk. I know what you may be thinking. You’ve been drinking and more than likely cannot leave. This is when you switch to plan B, pretend to pass out! The person fishing for information is only doing it because of the pleasure they get out of the chase. I’ve been that person many times. I can attest to the fact that most of the time the attraction disappears pretty quick after they get the confirmation they were looking for, the chase is over and the thrill is gone for them. If you choose not to run or pretend to quickly pass out than you are stuck with dealing with all these messy feelings. There are two ways to deal with this mess you have gotten yourself into.

  1. If you are someone like me who avoids relationships at all cost. Your best bet is to play the avoidance card, this works 90% of the time. For the other 10% of the time, well, you are pretty much stuck because other than changing your phone number and moving to another state, your screwed and have to deal with the situation. So lets just hope if you find yourself in this situation that the avoidance card works.
  2. If you are one of the 97% of people who wants someone to know your feelings, who wants a relationship, marriage, family… Then seek the person out, jump right in! Let everything out, tell them everything, all your feelings.

 

The take away from these two lessons is alcohol and talking can be a deadly combination if you’re not looking to express those deep down feelings. If you can’t express yourself while sober and desperately want to blurt out those feelings than liquid courage can be extremely helpful.

Girl’s Guide to Online Dating

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Finding prince charming and securing your future has become a daunting task these days with social media outlets, dating phone apps and dating websites taking the place of the good old fashion “get drunk and take someone home with you forever” method. I’m not a personal fan of online dating but if I was looking for a mate, realistically it would be my best option since all of my friends have been married for what feels like centuries. What about their friends, you ask? Well, what I have learned from having married friends is, for the most part, their friend circle is filled with a majority of married couples. Sometimes, when I think about it, I think there is a secret unspoken rule that when you’re married you are only allowed a certain percentage of friends who are single and the percentage seems to be set extremely low. Once a couple gets married they seem to turn their attention to their single friends in hopes they can get them chained to a mate quickly, because they too should experience the supposed ‘wedded bliss’ marriage brings into ones life. This is where the single person answers the call from their married friends which consist of a lot of talking, on the friends part, about why the one flying solo should be using an online dating site. Lets take a moment and look at some of the reasons my married friends have told me why I should be using online dating websites, and lets not forget about those dating phone apps too.

  1. Using a dating site will speed up the process you have to go through to find a lifelong mate. – Essentially what they are saying is scrolling through profiles is like the screening process directors go through to choose an actor for a role in a movie. If I don’t like their head shot and bio, I can just swipe them away because you should be able to tell exactly what type of person they are by a short written description. And of course everyone is completely honest when answering dating site questions and filling out their profiles.  No one would hide things or omit details of course, all you will see is complete raw honestly. I think not. Meeting a person in a public setting isn’t going to gain you better insight into who they are as a person.
  2. You are guaranteed to find a mate using online dating, they match your responses to questions with other people’s responses. – Okay, I can say this makes sense on a small level, you want your mate to be interested in things you like to do, but what about opposites attract? Personally I love everything about myself but do I want to have a mate that is exactly like me? No. One of the things I like to do to relax is crochet. Do I want a mate that crochets? No, this is something I like doing alone sitting on the couch watching reruns of Gas Money Garage on the Discovery Channel.  By myself.
  3. You can see what the guy looks like before deciding to meet them. – Sounds judgmental but lets be honest here, looks matter. When finding a lifelong mate you need to be attracted to them in someway.  I believe that’s reality. What I think is overlooked, is that we live in a world with a program called Photoshop. Now, their response to my mentioning Photoshop is that men don’t use Photoshop. Awe, but wait, in the google store there is a Fake Abs Pic Editor and it shows it has been downloaded and installed 50,000 times but men don’t use Photoshop, right? Photoshop aside, even I look different in person than I do in untouched photos. That light was in just the right place when the picture was taken. I don’t walk around holding a lamp at just the right angle to highlight my face.

When you don’t analyze the online dating apps, I suppose they seem like a good option. It is a directory of all the single people in the world, right at your fingertips. The world has become consumed with using items that lesson their workload and bring convenience into their lives. There is nothing more convenient than being able to take a poop while searching the directory of single people and being able to swipe away the undesirables with just your thumb.

I’ve decided to conduct an experiment to see if my married friends are right and joining a few dating sites will match me with my prince charming. I have signed up for a few dating sites and will be coming back here to blog about my online dating experience. I will share my messages with you and I will be fair, in that, I will share the good, the bad and the ugly.

Stay Tuned…

 

Girl’s Guide to Online Dating Series:

Girl’s Guide to Spank Me Like an Avocado

 

 

10 ways to ensure you will never have a relationship

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Relationships can look wonderful from the outside, once you enter into the realm of the relationship world you realize that the people turn into the incarnation of Satan.  That is why I put together this handy little instructional blog to help prevent you from allowing things to escalate past the safe zone.

 Things you will need:

A small pad of paper

Good writing utensil

An infatuation

Instructions:

  1. Insult – Use that pad of paper and your writing utensil to catalog anything about the person you could use as an insult.  You should have three categories for your insults; light hearted, moderate and downright nasty.  That way you are armed with an array of ammunition to spice up your encounters with your infatuation each time you see them.  As an added bonus, having an array of insults helps to prevent becoming predictable and who wants to be that!
  2. No Touching – Never EVER, under nearly any circumstances, touch in any way shape or form! This is very important, so pay attention!  It’s said that a person’s touch reveals a lot about their feelings, and if that is true then the neon sign popping out of your head when touching would scream “INFATUATION”, which would absolutely not be good long term.
  3. Avoidance – This is a tricky one, of course you want to see your infatuation and you even enjoy stewing in the pot while watching them coo-cooing over their new flavor of the week, but it’s more about finding a balance.  Never sit on the same couch, side of table, shit not even on the same side of the room as them.  If you do you may find your subconscious slowly and secretively scooting your butt in their direction.  Trust me, this happens so simply don’t do it!  Keep yourself busy, pay attention and interact with your infatuation only for a moment and then move on quickly to any other conversation with someone else.  NEVER make eye contact.  This will only draw you in and that is exactly what we’re trying to avoid!
  4. Giving – I like to think that most people have a giving nature, so I assume that you do too.  Wonderful, but never show this to your infatuation.  This is generally looked at as a ‘good quality’.  You cannot have good qualities as this will likely draw them in and may cause them to think you are a sweetheart, Heaven forbid!
  5. Interested – Listen without looking too interested, and NEVER give advice.  This could lead to them looking at you as a good sounding board, which may lead to them calling you for more advice. This would bring the two of you closer, and definitely would cause your feelings to show through.
  6. Sharing – Do not share what is going on in your life or your feelings.  Remember you are the insulter, not the sharer.  Keep your personal feelings to a minimum and make any personal topic as generic as possible.  Remember also, you are always having a good day!  People like to make others feel better, but if you’re always having a great time there is nothing to make better.
  7. Alone – Hello!  This should be easy!  Never should you be alone with this person!  If you find yourself left with them, find a reason to leave the room quickly.  Feel free to pop in now and then to admire your infatuation quickly, but then slip back out of the room hopefully without being seen watching them.  Being alone with someone would open the door to those personal things or ask you questions you shouldn’t answer.
  8. Sensitive – Show sensitivity at all times.  People say they like sensitive people but this is a load of bull.  They really like the leather wearing, whip wielding sadists.
  9. Alcohol – Don’t drink with your infatuation.  This can cause the leather wearing whip wielding sadist in you to show through and they may run away or stick to you like glue, neither of which is your goal.
  10. On a final but very important note! –  If your infatuation is ever single limit your time with that person to nearly nil.  Go out of your way to avoid them like the plague!  If they don’t have a significant other to keep their attention, they are more apt to try to speak with you and to get to know you better as a person. Yuck! Why would anyone want that!